Backseat Writer's Guide to Turtle Lovin' Logistics
by Backseat Writer
Summary: The title says it all. Rated for safety.


_Yeah... Never try to apply logic to a cartoon or fanfiction while in a naughty state of mind. _

_For anyone interested, I am still working on His Father's Son. I know where I want it to go and I am working on it, but I'm trying to finish several chapters before I post so I can make sure it will actually get there.  
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_Disclaimer: After reading over this list, I am certain that the TMNT are __very happy I don't have any rights to them...  
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_And now without further ado, for your Valentine's Day pleasure I present..._

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**Backseat Writer's Guide to Turtle Lovin' Logistics**

Congratulations. You've succeeded in the impossible task of not only meeting a mutant ninja turtle, but overcome all the stigma and mental baggage required to even think about sustaining a friendly relationship with the equivalent of a super-smart giant house pet. Even more amazing, you've somehow managed to get past the whole different species thing and are not only physically attracted to them, but they have through some miracle of alien mutagen and years of exposure to human culture become physically and intellectually attracted to you well enough that you are considering a permanent relationship with one another.

Seriously. I applaud you.

But as you have probably already figured out, your new lover is not human. There are some things that you take for granted with a human male that are just impractical or even physically impossible with a five foot anthropomorphic turtle. So… in the interests of making everyone a little happier, I've compiled a few tips.

**_In Public…_**

1. Don't expect to do a lot of kissing. Yes, I know this is going to be a blow to all you romantic foot-popping first-kiss types, but practically speaking, it's nearly impossible to get a good lip lock between a human mouth and a turtle. The dimensions are wrong, and there's no way to get proper suction between a lipless mouth half the size of your head and your own puny little pucker. If you've ever managed to kiss your pet without having them bite you, you'll know what I mean. The principle's the same.

2. Forget about French Kissing. Even if you do the open-mouth version of this, his tongue is nearly as big as his mouth. He'll never notice your puny little licker, and if he manages to fit his giganto one into your mouth, you'll choke.

3. On the upside, if you prefer nuzzling or rubbing noses over kissing, you're in great shape!

4. If you wind up with a turtle that has a fantasy about huge breasts, ignore him. You're going to be spending a lot of time hugging or cuddling the equivalent of a short brick pillar, and the last thing you want is to have your enormous chest continually and painfully squashed against his plastron. And if you are one of those unfortunate people who naturally have a size DD or larger, consider getting a breast reduction. Seriously. Being that large is bad for your back anyway, and if your sweetheart decides to teach you about self-defense they not only get in the way but have a tendency to bounce painfully and can give you a black eye no matter how gravity-defying your bra.

**_In the Bedroom..._**

5. Before you even start to consider going to bed with your turtle, make sure he's one with a PLASTRON THAT DOES NOT EXTEND BETWEEN HIS LEGS! This is the only type of turtle that you have any hope of enjoying a physically intimate relationship with. Otherwise you have just acquired a very hormonally frustrated male with a rich fantasy life. Frankly, I'm amazed the other types haven't all died of constipation by now.

6. Unless you have somehow transported to an alternate universe where your turtle is filthy rich and has his own home, you are going to have to consider the fact that everyone is going to know exactly when you are doing it. Basically, you will have NO PRIVACY. If you or your turtle have any sort of shyness about making wild animal sex with other people around, you're doomed. Face it. They live in a sewer. No matter how good the sound proofing, some things are going to echo.

That said, it pays to be discrete. Don't do it in the main room even if everyone is gone, keep the bedroom door locked, invest in a foam mattress rather than a creaky spring one, ignore any loud music they might be playing to mask the noise you're making, and _certainly_ don't do it in the bathroom! You should also make absolutely certain that Master Splinter is aware of your romantic intentions _well before _you do anything –many rats have excellent hearing, and your lover's brothers will not look kindly on you if their father has a heart attack on realizing exactly what he's hearing from his son's room.

And unless you live in a secured concrete bunker far from any sign of civilization, don't ever do it outside the Lair. As a turtle's romantic interest, every bad guy for several universes around is going to be after you, and nothing spoils the mood faster than Bishop inviting himself for a threesome.

7. THE FIRST TIME WILL NOT BE PERFECT! This holds as true for mutant turtles as human males if not more so. It is almost certainly his first time with a human and should definitely be your first with a giant turtle (unless you had a really weird fetish in the Galapagos Islands or want to risk an enraged ninja breaking down the door), so don't expect bliss. Considering the fact that you two are completely different species, expect it to be quite a while before you both figure out how to make this work correctly.

8. Expect to be busy in early spring. This is the Red Eared Slider's natural mating season, and if humans haven't figured out how to consistently win the battle of mind over animal instinct then it isn't fair to expect your turtle to do so.

That said, if it is early spring and you see the signs of arousal in your turtle and you well and truly do have a headache or the mother of all PMS, hand him a Playboy and leave the Lair. Be gentle about this, but don't linger. For the most part they will try to be gentlemen but it isn't fair to taunt them.

9. Traditional missionary position is not a good idea unless you can maintain the splits for an indeterminate amount of time without problems. Those shells make them wider than your average human male, and you won't be able to get your legs wrapped around them without hurting yourself. And explaining to the rest of the turtle family exactly why you can't walk the next morning isn't just embarrassing, it's melt-into-a-puddle mortifying.

10. If you are foolhardy enough to let him on top or get one that rolls a lot in his sleep, be prepared to be squashed. Muscles are heavier than fat, bone is heavier than muscle, and you've just inherited roughly two hundred pounds of highly developed muscle with an internal AND external bone structure. I'm not saying you need to invest in an Adamantium skeleton, but calcium supplements and some common sense are a must.

11. Expect cuddling after making love. Why? Your turtle is cold-blooded, and after a brisk game of hide-the-salami, you are most certainly the warmest thing around. Yes, I know this isn't really a problem for most girls, but if the air in the room is somewhat cool it may be less like cuddling and more like crushing. Be firm if he starts to cut off your air supply.

**_And Finally..._**

12. Be _very_ careful to cultivate a friendly, sisterly bond with your turtle's brothers. Come early spring, the absolute last thing anyone in such a close family needs is for their hormones to see you as a potential target, and if they instinctively consider you as a sister this is far less likely to be a problem. If for whatever reason you are unable to do this, or if you find yourself eyeing someone other than your chosen mate, consider investing in that bunker.


End file.
